Nurturing Ourselves with Cold Hard Cash

(Originally written in 2001 while living in Italy with my daughter, then three years-old.)

'My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.' I have often said that about my mother, but then I learned that I subcontract for the same agency.  Thanks mom, but I do not need your help in this area.  I feel guilty if I want to buy myself a piece of chocolate, when I am purchasing some for my daughter.  I feel guilty if I take one of hers.  I feel guilty if I want a few moments peace simply to write, instead of helping her learn the alphabet or problem solving with her preschool software.  When they hand you the baby they should inform you, 'by the way we injected you with mother's guilt, sign here to acknowledge receipt.  You'll have it until you die.'

Do our lives have to be this way?  I know in my head that my daughter, no matter what a bang-up job I do as a mother, no matter how many pictures I paint with her, how many times I take her to the river to watch her throw stones in or how many times I skip one across it because she loves to scream when I'm successful, will, eventually, find something to blame on me.  She will recline on the psychiatrist's couch and tell him 'my mother could only skip a stone twice and I wanted three times, that's why I'm all screwed up!'  The doctor will politely nod, agree with her and think 'holy cow, I'm going to be stinkin' rich!'

So why is it so hard for us to spend $5.00 on ourselves and easy for us to spend $50.00 or $100.00 on our children?  That answer is simple.  We want them to live well.  We want them to have all that we had and more.  We also want other mothers to think we are good moms by the way we dress our children.  Problems begin when this exclusivity thinking gets in the way of nurturing ourselves.  We need to feel we can spend that $5.00 on our desires, and walk up to the cash register and plunk down the cash or credit card.  If we do not reward ourselves and constantly feel undeserving how are we ever going to dump those guilt feelings and feel successful in all parts of our lives?  We undermine achievement in our careers and relationships with this mindset, and most of the time we do not realize we are doing it.  We tend to take what is given instead of asking for what we deserve.  Unfulfilled lives begin in our own heads.  Hey, I am as guilty (there is that word again) as the next person of perpetuating this lifestyle.  I have daily and sometimes hourly battles with my conscience.  Mania thy name is motherhood.

You already know how to nurture yourself.  No need to expound upon those ideas here... bubblebaths, daily walks, reading, writing, meditation.  There are plenty of books published on the subject, so dive in.  First, you must recognize the malady and realize you are just as worthy as the next person.  We all know people that have no money and lead happier lives than we lead.  How do they do it?  Watch them.  I will bet they are taking time doing things that make them happy instead of fretting over where their next dollar is coming from if they spend a few bucks on themselves. 

I am not a rich woman over here in Italy; in fact, I could be damn near close to having to return to the U.S. with my tail between my legs, leaving claw marks across the Atlantic.  My head will be high, however, and my spirit will have been sustained, by daily walks, writing, the occasional piece of chocolate and espresso.  The simple words of 'not now, mommy needs to do something for herself' although at times still sticking in my throat, are becoming a more frequent mantra.  Life goes on, and there is always more money to earn somewhere, so spend a little on you.  You are worth it.